The Cure For Depression

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My battle with depression, represented here by my friend as The She Hulk.

This is a an excerpt from my book, Fuck Portion Control, which contains references to other chapters. This information is provided to help those suffering from depression who would like an alternative approach to conventional medicine but cannot afford my book. I am also always available to chat with those needing help with this condition.

–––––––––––Chapter 13: The Cure for Depression

I never dreamed that a place like Club Axis in Salt Lake City actually existed. I was nineteen-years old and for the first time I saw people just like me who were not only open about their sexual orientation but were having a damn fine time showing it. Hordes of gorgeous boys and girls my age danced and socialized as if the entire world was like us. Clubs like Axis were a haven in a world that showed little compassion and a lot of hatred.

Axis had an underage side and a legal-age side in which you needed a wristband to order drinks. Not daring enough to hunt for a fake ID I would usually join my friends before the club to do some pre-drinking. The first night I got drunk to Alice Deejay and remixes of Tiffany and danced in front of a speaker nearly as tall as me I knew the rest of my life was going to better than it had been. To my great surprise I ran into a few High School crushes at that club, from a time when I had never even suspected others boys were also gay, who kindly filled me in on all the gayness from our High School which had somehow passed right beneath my nose, and I realized that all those boys stealing a glimpse as I showered in P.E. had not in fact just been comparing sizes. It seemed if only I’d been brave enough to come out earlier, or had even a single friend with whom I could have confided and been supported I would have found many boys I could have dated, even gone to prom with, some of them the most handsome and wonderful in our school and ones with starring roles in my dreams and fantasies.

One such night at the club while leaning against a wall having a drink and talking with my friends, a cute, kind boy approached me unhesitatingly, standing very near as if there was already some fraternity between us.

“Hey—” he said.

“Hi?” I replied.

“Is your name Nathan?”

On account of my height I was used to people knowing who I was, so I was not alarmed. “Yeah.”

Then he asked about my mom, by name, and it was getting weird. Or interesting. “My name is Brian—we were friends when we were eight.”

My jaw hit the floor. Standing in front of me was my best friend from childhood from whom I had been unceremoniously ripped away. My first real loss (and the first person to show me oral sex, lol). I couldn’t believe it. We caught up for a while. He was actually living out of state and was there visiting, and had gotten a boyfriend (with whom he is with still to this day). Life was coming full circle, and coming out was beginning to pay dividends to my happiness, and another night several months later while traipsing across the dance floor I spied a devastatingly handsome boy with stone-white skin and short auburn hair. His eyes were wild with adventure, haze colored, lips hovering slightly apart as if whispering all the while his lust for life. I smiled at him but naturally unsure of myself continued on to the bar (our side only serving soda, water, and Red Bull). Passing back on my return through the crowd the same boy caught my arm.“Do you have a problem meeting new people?” he asked.

“What?” I replied, thinking he was being humorous. Apparently he had tried to say hi as I passed earlier and thought I ignored him. Always afraid of offending everyone, I struck up a conversation, but our shared obsession with each other was soon too obvious to ignore. I asked if he’d like to go on a date. He agreed. “Where do you live?” I asked. “In this little town up north you’ve probably never heard of,” he replied. It turned out he was in the Air Force and stationed at the base near that dry, dusty hillside neighborhood when I was friends with Brian. Our first kiss happened while hiking an island in the Great Salt Lake, and thereafter fucked like rabbits almost every day for the next year. If we had been an opposite-sex couple one of us would have surely gotten pregnant. Three months in I fell in love with him, but it was right before the holidays and he went home to Louisiana for Christmas and would not return until exactly one hour after I left for the Caribbean on a New Years cruise on with my conservative family. I had never longed for someone so severely, and left a message written in glow-in-the-dark stars above my bed to see when he would slip in alone later that night, but I was caught putting it up by my family who had arrived earlier than expected to take me to the airport and when asked what I was doing mumbled something incoherent and avoided eye contact. I felt like the first person to ever hate being in the Caribbean, bearing the suffering of separated lovers in secret, condemning myself for spending my very first New Years with a boyfriend away from him and further resenting my family, forbidden to share even a hint of my happiness with them.

But ours was not to be an ever-after story. My melancholy brooding and his mercurial temper proved quickly incompatible, and I mistook a silent departure one morning where he didn’t even say goodbye and failure to phone for a week as a sign he was done with me. He would later get diagnosed bipolar, which would have been helpful information for the both of us (and my depression as well). So I slept with someone else, surprised and horrified when he called a few days later as if we were still fast boyfriends and nothing had been amiss. The fallout from my honesty was further compounded by a surprise infection with HPV, which I had not even known existed thanks to my religiously oppressive upbringing, and caused him some much undeserved heartbreak.

Dealing not only with the tumultuous newness of a relationship between two young, excitable, mentally ill and abused boys I continued to battle the demons of my youth and that all consuming crisis deciding whether or not I was loved by God. I knew my family had abandoned me, and the circles in which I was raised, what had heretofore claimed God appeared to confirm that I was indeed unwanted and unloved. That boy was my only joy, the warmth and comfort from his embrace unmatched in its tenderness and passion to anything I had ever experienced, but because of my upbringing and the poison of religion did not see that my prayers for salvation had very much been answered, it just was not the answer wanted by my family and religion (nor then myself). Tormented by this life, with no one in which I could confide I broke apart on the inside. Old friends and family were not only emotionally absent, but physically as my family packed up and moved back to Hawaii and left me alone in a State where danger seemed to spring from every corner. Inconveniently during the midst of this relationship I realized I had committed to one person too soon, with whom I probably could not live the rest of my life. If I did I would also miss out on the opportunity of dating other people. It also seemed my waning affection for him was punishment for unnatural emotions over which I was powerless, so I resolved to end things with him and give religion one more go. But I was cowardly in how I approached it, having no real skills at all by which to live life and navigate relationships, overstating my belief in a religion which had plainly rejected me to avoid responsibility for the heart I was breaking. This boy is such a good person and loved me so much he actually took me to church meetings and entertained missionaries because of my frenzied endorsement. It was not entirely dishonest, because I found that I could not reconcile the hurricane of shame and heartache in me. Eventually we split for good.

The most senior church official in my area was younger than they usually came. He had a debonair, masculine quality that instantly made me feel at ease. The last church official I met with, a bishop, was bent with age and scowled even more when I told him I was gay, before ghosting on me though I asked for help in getting reacquainted with the church. I didn’t let his behavior deter me from finding answers, though, and now sought help from this more senior person who oppositely considered me with warmth and compassion the other lacked entirely. He didn’t blink when I revealed being gay, and we met a few times and he listened to my heartache and confided in me about his own struggles coping with the tragic death of his darling wife from ovarian cancer. Though this man was a more senior official than many I had known over the years he was the first person in all my life to tell me sometimes people are the way they are for no particular reason, that God loved me the way I was, and counseled me not to join the contemptuous conversion therapy groups that had infected the region because he had seen how it destroyed men like me. It was the first time an adult, knowing full well my deepest secret, had ever indicated I was worth loving as I was, something not even my own parents had done.

One night while ruminating on my situation I realized unhappiness would forever be my prison if I continued to sit the fence between religion and being openly gay, and that I should make a decision and stick with it. Continuing in religion meant more lying and dishonesty, and I was desperately sick of it. Love in the arms of a boy had been more precious than anything ever given to me by any religious conception of God, so I chose to fully accept I was gay and live with those consequences, rather than the others.

When I was twenty-one and could legally entertain my growing alcoholism I went straight for it. Most of my friends were also ruined Mormon boys expelled from their families, and all of us loved to drink. One night before I learned to monitor my drinking I found myself at Club Axis with the world spinning wildly. I’d been enjoying myself, but in the middle of the dance floor I was suddenly overcome with the realization of just how much I missed my parents. Not only had I lost them to the middle of the Pacific Ocean, I had lost them to eternity, having moved away from home without ever really getting to know them in the first place. A suffocating sob rose to my throat. I was the tallest person in the middle of a dance club and about to start crying. I escaped before the tears could come to my eyes, but found it difficult to walk the many blocks home, the city, spinning, more than once jumped out from under my feet. To this day I don’t know how I made it home but opening the door to my apartment I rushed to my computer, ignoring my dog, Angus, who pined at me from his crate and began searching for plane tickets to Hawaii. I would call in sick and spend some time out there to repair the rift that had made me an orphan no matter what resistance they put up.

But I was too drunk to navigate the ticket system. Tears poured down my cheeks as I realized that my plan was stupid anyway, that they hated who I was, and even if I got to the island everything would end in as much heartache as it had before. After all, I was not the one who left.

The pain was overwhelming. I wanted it to stop. I was tired of being depressed. For years my life had only ever gotten worse. The depression which had begun around the age of twelve had matured right alongside me. Now that I was on my own I could see no future for myself which did not involve an avalanche of unbearable sadness. I was exhausted, and lost. I could not do it anymore. There was a bottle of vodka left in the freezer. I could drink it and killing myself would not be hard to do. So I downed the rest of it straight from the bottle, then pulled out a serrated bread knife. I put it to my wrist and gave a quick test-slash. It didn’t hurt, but a small divide opened on the skin. At first it was white, but it quickly turned pink and then red as a trail of blood ran down my arm. Good, I thought. This is going to be easy. I pressed the knife hard against my wrist and slid it with determination. But the pain was as if the knife had suddenly become searing hot. Unexpected, it made me drop it. For a moment my vision popped into clarity. The skin separated in a wide yawn and thick red blood spilled out like yolk from a cracked egg. It was much darker than I had expected, dull, almost like a shadow, and it ran down my arm like an open faucet.

I don’t remember picking up the phone to dial 911 but suddenly I had the receiver to my ear and the person on the other line was asking me to stay calm and that paramedics were on their way. Just as suddenly my apartment was filled with four or five medical personnel. Embarrassed at causing so much a ruckus I alternated repeatedly between drunken apologies and thanks. I lost consciousness in the ambulance and awoke later while lying on a hospital bed as a doctor put stitches through the open wound. “Thank you,” I said, purposefully servile from so much embarrassment. “Why did you do it?” he asked. Even in this drunken state I was too ashamed to admit I missed my mom and dad. No, it was more than that. How do you tell someone you have lost your family while they yet live? How pathetic I was, I thought. “I think I have HIV,” I said instead. It was also not a lie since for the last year I had lived in constant fear of the disease, fueled by both the shame of my conservative upbringing and indoctrination but also the alarmist conditioning from LGBTQI+ leaders. “Have you been tested?” was his reply. I shook my head, and blacked out once more.

I finally came to in a small room with windows looking out to the hospital reception, spread out on a couch with my arm wrapped in clean bandages and identification bands around my wrist which confirmed that this was indeed entirely real and not a stupid dream. My head was swimming, but the world was no longer in free-fall. I felt embarrassed at my behavior and my failure. Failure to avoid suicide, failure to do it right. What I wouldn’t give to have someone who loved me at my side.

Soon a frumpy woman entered and greeted me with a tepid, condescending smile. “Before we can release you,” she said, “I need to ask you a few questions.” I confirmed that I was not a danger to myself or others (what a stupid question to ask someone who just slit their wrist). She accepted the lie without any prodding, because she knew as well as I her only job was to protect the hospital from liability, and when asked for a motive I repeated the answer about HIV. The woman gave me a card with some resources for counseling and said I was welcome to call someone to come get me.

My friend Frederick had been waiting in reception all night, said one of the receptionists, but had gone home to get some sleep and left a message that I should call him when I was released. He appeared at the hospital ten minutes later, but seeing me offered no greeting and promptly turned around as if I should simply follow him out. I reached out and grabbed him and began crying into his neck. He had come to my apartment looking for me, horrified to see the ambulance departing, and my apartment covered in blood. He cleaned it up for my return and taken my Angus to his house, and for two days made me stay with him while he cooked, rubbed my back, and let me sleep in his bed, teaching me how to sculpt clay while we traded stories about our family and coming out.

But weeks later no matter what I did the malaise had not disappeared, and I was afraid of falling back into a place from where I knew I would not return a second time. To add insult to injury my insurance wouldn’t cover my ambulance ride to the hospital and sent it to an aggressive collections agency which employed a peer from high school who used our connection to harass me for payment when I couldn’t (both the hospital and insurance were also subsidiaries of the religion I was trying to escape). My sister had come to stay with me after returning from her religious mission but, like myself, had no life skills with which to survive and had spent the weeks on my couch trying to make sense of being loosed into the world while saddled with debilitating depression and hopelessness. After revealing to my dad what happened he agreed, contemptibly, to let me come to Hawaii, upend my life and spend time recuperating. I quit my job, sold my belongings, and gave my beloved Angus to a friend whose brother had a large farm in the middle of Utah.

Landing at at the Kahului airport the fragrant, wet air hit me in the face like a warm kiss, filled my lungs with a calmness that nowhere else on earth comes so easily. But stepping out onto the curb I did not see my family anywhere.

“Oh,” said my mom when she picked up the phone, “we forgot you were coming.”

I dozed on the curb in the bright Hawaiian sun, happy at least to be in paradise, though uncertain of my future, content that it would at least not be any worse. Two hours later my parents finally arrived.

“We don’t mind you being here,” said my dad after we got into the car on the long drive into Lahaina. “But there are a couple rules.”

“Rules?” I laughed. I was twenty-one and had not lived at home for three years and already they were treating me again like a child. “Under no circumstances are you allowed to bring your lifestyle in our house—”

“Lifestyle?” I started, feeling the heat of shame rising within me much sooner than expected. This was the last thing I thought to endure on an island paradise reconnecting with those who raised me after a year of separation and attempted suicide. But of course they would. “It’s not a lifestyle—” I replied, trying not to let them see how choked up I had become. “What about pedophilia or murder, Nathan?” said my mother. “It’s not any different.”

The gravity of my mistake buried me like a landslide. I was not on my way to recover, nor to win back the love of my family. I was like a man who pleads guilty without understanding his fate until the prison door slams shut behind him, trapped far away from any semblance of an adult life. Everything that belonged to me which had enabled the small bit of freedom to live on my own was now sold or given away. I was trapped on a literal island, unable to even drive or walk away from here, least of all to afford a plane ticket somewhere else or place to live, not realizing this until I could do nothing about it.

The rest of the drive was quiet, my reunion with my siblings dry and emotionless, my sisters concerned more with the politics of sharing a limited wardrobe and tight living quarters than my visit after being separated for so long. No doubt they felt some uncertainty around the reason for my return and unsure how to approach me, having heard in every prayer and inquiry about me since my departure that I was a deviant living in sin and quiet rumors of what I was.

A few days later my parents introduced me to some new friends of theirs—A handsome couple, slightly younger than my own parents with almost as many kids and each of whom near in age to one of us. Their eldest was a girl name Helena, beautiful and intriguing they wasted no time in making her acquaintance on my behalf. When we were alone I wasted no time letting her know I was gay, not because she had any interest in me, which she did not, but to dispel the obvious imposition on her which had right away burdened our friendship. We did not become fast friends, as I think she was quite adhered to her religious sentiments. That’s the way it is with religious people—we would be their friend but for the fear and hatred in their hearts.

One day while my family was at church and I was asleep in a cot behind the living room couch a knock came to the door. Surprised, I opened it to find their friend Adam, Helena’s father. I immediately suspected a conversion scheme.

“Hey Nathan,” he said.

“My parents aren’t here,” I pithily replied, hoping it was not too thinly veiled.

“I wanted to talk to you,” he continued. “I heard about your condition and I hope you don’t mind me saying but I wanted to let you know I suffer from the same thing.”

The shame which had threatened to surface turned suddenly to surprise. I relaxed a little and opened the door wider. “It’s part of why we moved down here,” he said. “The weather helps.”

“I’m okay,” I lied. Adam hesitated.

“Do you want to go kayaking?” he said. “I thought we could go out on the water.”

“Oh,” I stuttered. The last time an adult had expressed a desire to hang out with me was many, many years ago. Or maybe never.

“Sure,” I said. “Let me get my suit.”

Adam’s kayaks were already on his car, apparently quite confident in his success with me. We drove out of town and headed toward the inside of the southern bay on Maui. It was well into January but the air was warm, the ocean content. The kayaks were the river sort, short and broad, not at all suitable for ocean going. The paddling was tough and required no small effort to put some distance between us and the shore, but it was magical with the waves lapping at the sides, the clear blue ocean beneath us, and I poured all my despair and sadness into each stroke, the strength of my own arms taking me further and further from shore.

No more than a few minutes into deeper water an explosion suddenly shot up from the surface a few yards away, a blast of mist that sounded both alive and breathing. Whales do that, appearing out of nowhere. Lurching to my left at another sound of breaking water I saw the back of second humpback break the surface no more than five feet from my boat, an enormous, bumpy, grey ridge rising higher than my head as it undulated slowly through the calm water. The fluke of its tale barely broke the surface as it gently glided beneath me, as if taking care not to harm the small and fragile life in it. A third whale then bobbed behind us, spy-hopping, where a whale rises high enough to look across the water at whatever has caught its interest, which in this moment was us, and yet a fourth whale came rocketing from the depths a little ways off, his entire bulk leaping fully into the air as if all its many tons were weightless. It seemed to float for a moment before crashing down with a tremendous splash which nearly swamped our kayaks.

Adam was all smiles and so was I. At rest in the midst of a peaceful ocean, the salt on my skin, the free air in my lungs while the majesty of life literally encircled us and the companionship of one kind person I began to cry at the wonder of it all. On the water in the midst of this experience I realized suddenly there were probably answers to be found, it was only that I had not yet found them. Clearly my family and religion had no answers to give me, but perhaps I only needed to search somewhere else. I wanted to live, and in spite of my wounds I was going to figure out how.

If you don't know depression you don't know the limits of mortality. A condition made worse by the stigma of dark ages mental health abstraction and religious indoctrination I tried as many ways to heal as there are books about depression—medication, drugs, therapy, socializing, alcohol, food, sex, abstinence, self-will, yoga, meditation, religion, love, entertainment, journaling, exercise, being super nice, being a jerk, working, reading, not working, praying, asking for help, taking control, losing control. Getting sober in my thirties helped me gain a change of mentality and purpose but it did not relieve my depression. Many religious friends and family, and sober fellows in spite of their best efforts and spiritual wrestling continue to suffer from depression. I deeply respect the abstinence of drinkers despite such a struggle, and unlike most of the world know a compassion for those who cannot abstain. Alcohol was a welcome reprieve from the monster of despair. Medication was hardly better since it caused as many problems as it was meant to help, and robbed me of more than alcohol ever did but never actually brought happiness. When it comes to depression, cure is a dirty word.

These days when I have sadness it is a beautiful, June Cleaver sadness. It is neither suffocating nor depressing. Having faced the black dragon, sadness now actually makes me happy, because it feels so normal, so safe. I have not had depression for a long time now, save for a few days spat at the first of my recovery which was pretty mild by my usual standards. I spend my days in happiness, content to be alive even when things are in the shitter or loneliness makes me want to crawl into bed. I know it is gone because I also no longer have swings to the higher spectrum, those rare moments of fleeting euphoria which are not the opposite of depression but its conjoined twin, the condition of mania which is unbalance in the soul of a depressed person, not just the depressive troughs which over time grow lengthier than the crests to which those who are depressed cling desperately with hopes that maybe this one will last.

I would never have survived to find these answers had it not been for Madonna, Erasure, Cher, Annie Lennox, and Jennifer Saunders and Joana Lumley who fought for people like me, and the handsome men with whom I occasionally had sex and made friends which brought me comfort when I could not find it anywhere else. But firstly in my depression I somewhat enjoyed it—My life took on a melodramatic depth and intensity of feeling that matched and justified my experiences, and indeed many people when faced with a possible cure to such problems will actually reject it since the pain of suffering serves to validate the loss and heartache we have endured. But this is not a way to live, and initially my path back to health was motivated by righteous vanity, done being overweight and sick I didn't think much about how it would affect my inner conflict, until one day in Los Angeles’s hearing the chatter of immigrant flocks of lorikeets coming in my open window I suddenly realized that though I was utterly alone I was, for the first time in my life, content. I fell down crying from sheer happiness, realizing that twenty years of suicidal depression had finally ended and would no longer be my constant shadow.

“The opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality—” my favorite quote, by Andrew Solomon, was a key moment in my recovery which helped inform my understanding of depression not as a problem of pharmaceuticals or discipline but of biology and knowledge, which illustrates exactly the dilemma faced by those suffering depression in that we lack nothing that can bring happiness, merely the energy to live for them. But if vitality is what a depressive person lacks, is vitality the cure? How can I get it? What would I do to get it? What even is vitality? Do I even want it? 

Anyone who has spent time with children knows how close to the surface their feelings lie. From an early age we learn what makes us happy, what makes us sad, and all the other complex emotions of the human experience but have little experience in their control or meaning. Before we have an inkling of reason these emotions drive us with as much instinct as any animal. Then we spend the rest of our lives operating from this perspective, seeking stimulus for the feelings we like and relief from those we don’t, keenly aware of the effect each emotion has on our wellbeing but deranged from our childhood and trauma that makes us resent our feelings and afraid to express them.

Our brains aren't able to sense their own existence. Or, more precisely, we do not consciously perceive the action of the brain because the brain is the very thing which is doing this perceiving and cannot perceive itself. The mind is what the brain does and how well it does that function is the measure by which we experience life. Senility, autism, even youth are all states of the brain which compromise an individual's relationship to other adults, and a great deal of my trouble making friends and understanding life as a young person was due to undiagnosed autism and the failure of my family and others to understand and help. The more insidious states of rage, violence, and mental disorders further complicate human relationships and make the finding of peace and happiness seem elusive indeed.

Medicine has for decades inculcated the names of hormones like serotonin and dopamine into the bourgeois lexicon, and people drone on about them as if they're of no more consequence than a license plate or a flavor of soda. For most of the recent history of mental health research the hormone serotonin has been considered the happiness hormone, but this stemmed from a misunderstanding of the effects and purpose of serotonin on the mind and body. Experimenting on those presenting with mania, researchers saw the administration of serotonin-regulating pharmaceuticals to cause alleviation in the manic, depressive symptoms and inferred properties of serotonin with hypothetical explanations, then through medical and lay discourse serotonin eventually evolved to possess supposed properties never actually supported by scientific research. In fact serotonin is not at all the happiness hormone, but a hormone of torpor which regulates metabolic pathways (torpor means to slow things down), and to demonstrate this role serotonin is most abundant in the gut where it serves to regulate water absorption by the gut which in turn regulates the transit of food through the gut, not too little so that food doesn’t remain stuck but not too much so that the body has time to absorb nutrients without risking microbial overgrowth. Serotonin also regulates the general metabolic rate, and in all animals which hibernate serotonin and its more powerful derivative, melatonin, also a hormone of torpor, triggers the hibernation response at the onset of wintertime. This function of torpor hormones is to similarly slow down the entire metabolic rate so animals don’t tear through stores of valuable nutrients during hibernation, not so bears and squirrels will be super happy at the approach of winter.

Without serotonin (and melatonin) hibernating creatures like frogs, turtles, bears, and dormice would probably not exist, nor any mammals at all. Though we do not hibernate as a species (wouldn’t that be something?), serotonin still has this same function in humans, and instead of losing our hibernation response our ancestors instead evolved an anti-hibernation response which keeps us from going into actual torpor, by responding to elevations in serotonin and melatonin with a concomitant increase in adrenaline which forces an increases the metabolic rate. Pharmacological intervention in manic depression had the appearance of benefit to patients because forcing a state of torpor by higher serotonin dampened manic symptoms. To an agitated, anxious sufferer of depression the tranquilizing effect of serotonin can appear to be a cure in comparison to the alternative, but since it achieves this effect by keeping the metabolic rate low and torpor hormones high this also eventually leads to new and worse developments of psychiatric diseases and physical health because a body in a state of torpor is never able to return to the robust state of healthy metabolic rate which supports vitality and enjoyment of life. This is why so many pharmaceuticals do not relieve depression and why they often carry an inexplicable increased risk of suicide, homicide, and sexual and metabolic side effects, because they further derange an already deranged metabolism and mental state. After all, how could the hormone of happiness carry the increased risk of suicide?

Depression is a hormone deficiency, but rather than serotonin it is a deficiency of dopamine. This is often fairly easy for people to understand since dopamine is already colloquially associated with the understanding of reward, but because of widespread, religious desecration of the human experience and prejudice against reward and ‘reward seeking behaviors’ the concept of reward often implies a lack of self discipline, risk taking, or undisciplined indulgence, which also prejudices medical research preventing the proper understanding of dopamine as the actual hormone of happiness. Yes, dopamine is the hormone of reward because reward is how biology communicates to an animal the importance of successful and productive behaviors most likely to improve our wellbeing and chances of survival. Reward is not only confined to risk or indulgence but also comes from love, from close bonds, from achievement, from eating, sleeping, moving, fulfilling responsibility, from sex, from intimacy, talking to someone nice, from learning new skills, expanding our understanding, and overcoming hardship. Finishing your homework literally stimulates a reward response and dopamine release, but nobody denigrates studiousness as ‘reward seeking behavior.’ The purpose of dopamine is not to impress upon a person the ways which can gratify us but to instead emphasize behaviors which build the successful life of a social animal and increase wellness and vitality—behaviors like honesty, togetherness, accomplishment, food choices, eating patterns, useful resources, etc. It is nature’s way of motivating creatures to do things which bring us the resources we require to survive.

But in the depressed individual dopamine is deficient because the stress hormone adrenaline is actually made from dopamine, which means that increased stress, no matter its origin, actively depletes a person of dopamine. Depressed individuals lack motivation and vitality because there is not sufficient amounts of dopamine to provide stimulus for reward behaviors like relaxing, or talking to a loved one, or doing a good day’s work, no matter what a depressed person does it fails to raise dopamine, so those who are depressed close the curtains and crawl into bed rather than go out and face the world.

Veterans who prefer the military and a battle-ready unit to normal life fail to see how dopamine enmeshes us with military brothers and sisters in the replication of a more natural human tribal existence, confusing the closeness with others facilitated by the military as a function of the military and not closeness with other humans and thus resultant dopamine, something we could easily duplicate at home with our own friends and family if the prison of emotional constipation and personal insecurity and ineffective control behaviors could be banished. Dopamine is also why things like video games can appear to be ‘addictive,’ which they are not, because a young person’s environment may be absent of opportunities for fulfillment growing up in car dependent societies lacking third-places to meet friends and burdened with the trauma of past generations, where dopamine release is then easily achieved by beating the final boss with online friends. Without dopamine there is no mechanism for reward accomplishing behavior in the first place, and thus no happiness.

Of course, because dopamine is a hormone it can be hacked by taking drugs or engaging in thrilling exploits (which actually increases adrenaline, which is the hormone of excitement, since adrenaline is made from dopamine) but these are not evidence that dopamine is harmful but that our lives are often lacking in those things which bring true fulfillment and permanent contentment. The characterization also of hormones as being mere mechanisms of biology, keys which fit into certain locks to elicit a biological response, cheapens the nature of hormones and prevents the understanding of what hormones really are and what they do. Hormones are the feeling which accompany them just like a rock is hard or a feather soft, or fire is hot and snow is cold. There is no receptor for fire or receptor for hardness. Something burns because of plasma and something is hard because it is hard. If a hormone could be anthropomorphized into an actual person that person would embody the quality of that hormone because of what it is, not what it does. Hormones are not signalers or keys or locks or receptors. They are the very thing that they do. Cortisol is the hormone of anxiety, adrenaline is excitement, testosterone motivation, progesterone empathy. Serotonin being that which mediates torpor is also the hormone of remorse, shame, and guilt, which is why SSRIs have increased risk of suicide but also why serotonin antagonists like cocaine are also associated with antisocial behavior since remorse serves a functional purpose to motivate moral behavior. If dopamine were a person it would be insufferably happy, and in fact this is exploited by parasites called Toxoplasma which, when infecting mice, cause an excessive rise in dopamine which alleviates mice of fear to increase chances of predation by cats on which Toxoplasma depends to complete its lifecycle. Humans can and are colonized by Toxoplasma which causes the same kind of endocrinological disturbance and contributes to symptoms of mania by disturbing normal dopamine function.

If we believe the illusion that our thoughts determine emotion and not the other way around then our brain is functioning exactly as it should. The most basic illustration of hormones are as the catalysts which compel the course of our lives. Did you notice you were hungry before the thought came to you? Of course not. First the hunger must occur, then the signal is conveyed to the brain. The same happens with sleep and the need for physical intimacy. Feelings must rise first and then the thought follows. With the higher emotions the illusion of being led by thought is stronger, yet no less an illusion. Compare two persons equally inclined to react to a negative stimulus, such as making a choice between polarizing political candidates. One person in our example who has a full stomach will have a much milder reaction than the other who hasn't eaten for some time. If thoughts lead emotion then why a variable with blood sugar? In fact, populations in poorer health tend to be more susceptible to political fear and agitation because less stimulus is needed to raise already high stress hormones caused by poor diets, metabolic illness, and stress of insufficient nutritional and material resources. It is no coincidence that populations generally exposed to better diets and resources as those who are educated, metropolitan, and wealthier are less likely to succumb to fearmongering and deceit, because those with more stable diets, better nutrition, and material security have a more stable endocrine system and thus more stable emotions, which are hormones, less susceptible to oscillation. Those who suffer from poor diet also suffer from extremes of emotional wellness precisely because our bodies are not able to deal with stress due to the absence of requisite nutritional resources, and so suffer from more extreme consequences, having more fear, depression, and unhappiness than those who have healthy endocrine systems because adrenaline is made from dopamine which then causes dopamine deficiency and thus more unhappiness. Hormones are the sole arbiter of our thoughts and motivations. Pump a man with enough drugs and he may soon act more like an animal because the alteration of hormones by those drugs alter his thought and motivations, not the other way around. Yet we treat addicts and sufferers of psychiatric disorders as if they chose that fate or actually have control over their own biological systems, which is fucking insane, expecting them to do what no other person in their place could do either.

During a visit to see family a sister of mine was easily excitable and I later found her crying in secret. She confessed that she’d been short tempered and mean to her new husband, as if for no reason at all. I had a hunch, her being newlywed, and asked if she was on birth control. That the alteration of her behavior and emotions could happen by pharmaceutical intervention had not crossed her mind, and she'd have continued to suffer had I not caught her crying or if she had not been willing to share her problem with me. She switched products and the turbulence resolved. Similarly, my long battle with depression could have ended much sooner had anyone pointed out that repeatedly starving myself in my attempts to be lean and fit were driving my stress hormones through the roof, because the primary stimulants for adrenaline are low blood sugar, low sodium, and emotional conflict. Yet in such situations we expect ourselves to find relief or change through our thoughts, striving to force by will the resolution of emotional hardships, but since the origin of our suffering is in our bodies, with hormones which affect our mind which is also part of the body, this approach never works except to further frustrate and impair effectiveness. For how can we expect to be happy when we don't even fulfill the first requirement for happiness, which is a full stomach?

When I first learned that adrenaline is made from dopamine I immediately knew the cure to depression because it makes sense that dopamine’s opposite which increases from stress to catabolize dopamine should cause the opposite of happiness, to prevent a reward stimulus from experiences which oppositely threaten our wellbeing. A little adrenaline can give a sense of excitement but adrenaline release is extremely sensitive and occurs from a wide range of stressful stimuli both physical, nutritional, psychological since it is through the brain that we perceive and experience life. Dopamine (and all of the catecholamines) is in turn made from the animo acid tyrosine (which is also made from phenylalanine) and so chronic elevations in adrenaline from stress stimuli not only deplete dopamine but also tyrosine from which dopamine is made, eventually and depleting not only dopamine but also its precursors which is why chronic stress results in long-term emotional and chronic emotional turmoil because pharmaceuticals do not resupply tyrosine nor stop its excessive loss from the body. Once when I was a child I happened upon a skunk in an alleyway behind our house, and the flood of adrenaline propelled me instantly and instinctually away from the risk of being sprayed by the so-called flight or fight response, which is the massive surge in adrenaline release which occurs in response to threats. Adrenaline releases glucose from storage in glycogen and increases sodium flux through cells to drive greater cellular activity and power the needed response to potential threats. But adrenaline is also more strongly stimulated from interpersonal conflict than any other reason because threats to our lives comes most often not from wild animals, disease, or disaster, but other humans. That feeling when a stranger yells at us for not bringing their food on time or when a crazed driver slams on their breaks to teach us a lesson for not driving faster than the speed limit is the action of adrenaline, and when we grow up in a consistently volatile environment, with years of chronic adrenaline expression  due to the tumult of abusive parents or other harmful experiences, this conditions a stronger and more sensitive adrenaline response which more rapidly and chronically depletes tyrosine and dopamine to thus sustain conditions of depression.

As discussed in the chapters on gut health and diabetes there are also pathogens which force the release of adrenaline or act like adrenaline and consume tyrosine and phenylalanine to produce the harmful amines tyramine and phenylethylamine, which not only exaggerate the adrenaline response and deplete us of tyrosine but cause even more severe mental health problems like schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and PTSD, because they cause excessive depletion of glycogen storage which then depletes our body of sugars required to keep adrenaline low, and the combination of stress, high adrenaline, and carbohydrate deficiency is so harmful it actually starts to damage the brain and endocrine system and unrelenting stress and suffering. Colonization with amine producing microbes like Clostridioides difficile are major catalysts for depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, anhedonia, schizophrenia, sociopathy, and psychopathy because pathogens even more strongly derange endocrine and neurological function than environmental stress. C. difficile is highly infectious and resolution of gut stress and pathogenic colonization as discussed in chapters on gut, diabetes, and immunity are requisite to resolving these psychological conditions. Also unknown to most is that catecholamines like dopamine and adrenaline require vitamin C as a cofactor, so vitamin C deficiency can also greatly contribute to depression by impairing the rate of dopamine synthesis or even causing adrenaline deficiency which then causes extreme adrenaline rebound when vitamin C becomes available, so daily consumption of high vitamin C foods can greatly contribute to catecholamine homeostasis and balance.

As the primary role of adrenaline is to release sugar from glycogen storage, during the night when we are asleep adrenaline is also expressed in small quantities to keep our organs alive and metabolism running, but metabolic decline, behaviors like chronic fasting and dieting, and colonization by amine producing microbes impairs glycogen storage which then causes other problems like mania (temporary euphoria) but also insomnia caused by hyperglycemia. Dieting or fructose malabsorption, which both cause fructose deficiency, strongly contribute to mania because even a little adrenaline will then cause massive release of glucose from glycogen, causing temporary elation as cells are overwhelmed with glucose (and produce high amounts of CO2 and ATP, which is relaxing and invigorating) but then experience glucose deficiency shortly afterward as glycogen stores become depleted. Because it sustains blood sugar, adrenaline takes biological priority over dopamine, so depression begins to occur from chronic depletion of dopamine, tyrosine, and glycogen, especially during behaviors or conditions which promote adrenaline like avoiding sugar, low-carb dieting, and emotional conflict. Non-sufferers of depression take for granted that they are inspired to go to work, be chummy with old friends and new, the conceiving and execution of plans, discipline, and ambition—things which become inexplicably impossible to the depressed individual because not only do we lack the very mechanism which motivates such behavior but the absence of dopamine oppositely motivates us to isolate and to stagnate to avoid using up spare and valuable nutritional resources. Dopamine is so important to our function as a healthy human animal that when dopamine deficient people discover drugs and alcohol, which temporarily restore or force dopamine function, we become addicted because without dopamine all humans feel hollow and worthless, and our deepest desire is to be fulfilled, healthy, and functional. Being ignorant of this biology or how to purposefully accomplish dopamine repletion, drugs and alcohol become a convenient treatment.

While dopamine made from tyrosine is the agent of joy and happiness, taking tyrosine as a supplement or even getting more protein in the diet is more likely to just promote excessive adrenaline since adrenaline takes preference over dopamine, to continue exhausting glycogen stores, and the primary treatment for this problem is getting fructose daily through high-quality fruit, fruit juices, or other sources of highly bioavailable fructose like invert sugar, to suppress the release of glycogen by adrenaline, and restoring the normal digestion of sugar as discussed in the chapter on parasitism and metabolic disease since fructose inhibits hyperglycemia caused by adrenaline and its (microbial) amine analogs. Sodium malabsorption as discussed in that chapter also accompanies fructose malabsorption and studies show that sodium repletion also promotes dopamine and alleviation of depression, since sodium helps to inhibit adrenaline release, which can be felt rapidly through a low dose of salt (about 1/2 tsp) taken in a potent source of tannin as tea or high tannin fruit juice. This benefit of salt absolutely requires restoration of absorption such as the use of tannins to inhibit microbial ammonia production otherwise sodium remains in the gut where it instead promotes the very amine producers that stimulate hyperglycemia and high adrenaline.

Taurine is very effective in support of depression recovery because taurine actively helps to protect cells from excessive excitatory activation and the stress of excitation (such as excessive calcium influx). Studies show taurine helps the body use protein more efficiently, raises dopamine, and protects cells against calcification. Taurine also directly supports the GABA system and prevents the over-consumption of glutamine. When I was first curing myself of cancer I began using taurine daily for these reasons but in turn found that, in addition to regular maintenance of blood sugar by eating every two or three hours, the use of taurine helped to rapidly cure my depression. Taking a taurine supplement helps to rapidly elevate dopamine (if there is sufficient protein intake and steps to reduce adrenaline stimulation) by facilitating the restoration of cells through the GABA pathway which then lowers both the expression of adrenaline and the effect of adrenaline on cells. It should not be required to use Taurine as a supplement, however and, like most health problems, deficiency is caused by gut pathogens like Bilophila or Desulfovibrio which actually steal taurine from bile and produce toxic hydrogen sulfide. Over time a body in the active state and under stress experiencing taurine deficiency is unable to meet the demands caused by stress and is quickly and rapidly depleted of dopamine via adrenaline excess while glutamine is depleted as an alternative energy source to carbohydrate due to an excessive state of activation. Until gut dysbiosis is resolved taurine can be used to treat severe cases of depression or other mental illness so long as carotene is used simultaneously to prevent microbial conversion of taurine to hydrogen sulfide. Other metabolic diseases like Parkinson's and diabetes are also marked by taurine deficiency and because sulfurous malodor from halitosis (bad breath) or feces or flatulence is the odor of hydrogen sulfide (or related compounds like methyl mercaptan) it is very easy to evaluate and monitor active taurine loss and effective use of carotene to inhibit its depletion, and over time the consistent use of carotene and resolution of gut dysbiosis will result in normal endogenous taurine production from dietary sulfur. Because taurine is a constituent of bile its supplementation can result in temporary over expression of bile and thus a stomachache, and if this occurs from taurine supplementation stop until this resolves and resume after the discomfort has subsided. This may happen several times but will eventually cease as bile expression is normalized.

In addition to dopamine deficiency, social anxiety is uniquely also a specific symptom of pregnenolone deficiency because pregnenolone is the master hormone of the body made from cholesterol which is in turn made from dietary fats, B vitamins, protein, sugar, and short chain fatty acids produced by a healthy microbiome, so when pathogens colonize our gut and disrupt normal metabolism of fats and other nutrients it directly impairs our ability to make cholesterol and the many hormones made from cholesterol like pregnenolone, progesterone, testosterone, estrogen, and the extremely important corticoids which manage and regulate electrolytes like sodium. When we are deficient in cholesterol and pregnenolone our body is far more susceptible the release and effects of backup stress hormones stimulated by stresses such as social interaction (or our perception of it). Studies also confirm a correlation between suicide and low cholesterol, and deficiency of sodium is also directly implicated in depression and since the mineralocorticoids made from cholesterol help regulate and promote normal sodium status this makes a great deal of sense. Because these hormones are made from fats, depression and social anxiety are also direct consequences of undereating, dieting, excessive exercise, or other nutritional impairment, so it is not possible to recover from depression and related problems without maintaining a consistent diet full of good nutrition and resolution of opportunistic gut microbes such as those which cause dysregulation of calcium and saponification of dietary fats. Doing this can result in rapid progress, but until a full recovery is made pregnenolone can be supplemented daily (25-50 mg in the morning) and even several hours before a social event (200-300 mg) to assist in handling social engagements or obligations such as work and to help with depression. Because cortisol (our primary corticoid) is made from pregnenolone the supplementation of pregnenolone can result in very high and uncomfortable levels of cortisol if not properly supported by a diet high in carbohydrate, as taking supplements is never a replacement for good dietary habits and knowledge of biology, but can support changes in diet and care of the body.

Progesterone is also made from pregnenolone and being the hormone of empathy its deficiency along with that of dopamine causes sociopathy and psychopathy because of the absence of hormonal mediators which normally inform human behavior, and those who suffer these conditions sometimes even purposefully exploit or injure others because the rise in stress hormones like adrenaline from volatile interpersonal conflict is the only feelings they are able to experience. Everything that makes a human being is biochemical, and the higher functions of humanity such as empathy cannot occur without a healthy, working endocrine system. This does not mean that people should be allowed to harm others and use illness as an excuse—consequences are how we as humans learn that certain behaviors are not acceptable—and there are many with sociopathy that do not actually harm others because they recognize the immorality of causing hurt without requiring emotional feedback to know that. But they still lack that emotional experience and so feel empty and emotionless because all emotions are hormones, and normal hormone synthesis can be restored as discussed in the upcoming chapters on calcium, erectile dysfunction, and progesterone and pregnenolone. Steatorrhea is a common consequence of disturbed fat digestion in the gut, and always accompanies emotional dysregulation, and it is very likely that anyone with sociopathy, psychopathy, depression, ADHD, anxiety, PTSD, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, etc., will present with such symptoms of fat malabsorption which can be reversed by protecting all dietary fat with foods high in oxalate (using more palatable sources like raspberries and bananas for those like children whom are sensitive to oxalate).

ADHD and restlessness in children are early symptoms of depression, bipolar disorder, and anxiety, and reveal colonization of the gut by amine producing microbes specifically and a diet which facilitates their ingress which is made worse since many parents wrongly consider sugar to be harmful which then causes fructose deficiency and thus susceptibility to hyperglycemia induced by high adrenaline and its microbially produced analogs. The reason for symptoms of ADHD is that a primary function of stress hormones is to motivate movement and exploration, to be active in order that an organism might find novel resources and fulfillment. Stress motivated evolutionary humans to seek out solutions to that stress, instinctually, but children suffering stress can hardly be expected to sit still when they are fed diets high in common wheat, iron fortification, polyunsaturated fats, and low in fruit, sugar, carotene, and sun exposure. Many parents mistake the increase in excitement and joy from sugar as “excess energy,” when in fact it is alleviation from the stress of adrenaline, and being hateful, judgmental, and irritable themselves don’t later notice that the “crash” which comes from having sugar is the resolution of these stress hormones and ADHD they were looking for all along, because sugar (fructose) so powerfully lowers stress hormones and resolves hyperglycemia. If there is any diabetes, fructose malabsorption prevents this benefit of fructose, but ripened fruit contains mostly invert sugar which is easily absorbed and avoids those side effects, so a low-fruit diet is one of the most common catalysts for all mental health disorders and behavioral problems that are not direct consequences of trauma, because it directly promotes hyperglycemia, high adrenaline, and increases stress. Children are extremely resilient to stress, but not immune to it, and the development of ADHD or childhood depression is evidence of just how severe the consequences of dietary and environmental deprivation can be. ADHD is quite easy to avoid and treat by simply feeding children (and adults) a good diet with plenty of ripe fruit high in carotene like apricots, peaches, nectarines, watermelon, grapes, etc., avoidance of food additives like iron and nitrates, getting plenty of sunshine, and avoiding allergenic additives like carrageenan, gums, nitrates, iron, etc., while also facilitating emotionally fulfilling relationships.

The mechanism of adrenaline, dopamine, and sugar in etiology of depression can be demonstrated in the way coffee helps to alleviate depression—coffee (caffeine) is primarily dopaminergic, which is why it makes us feel so good, because it increases the metabolic rate primarily through dopamine pathways. This then improves the metabolism of sugars which results in greater production of ATP and CO2 which in turn promotes relaxation. But if you haven’t eaten much food or especially if lacking in fructose, have fructose malabsorption, or dysregulated cholesterol this causes hyperglycemia, high stress hormones, and excessively elevated heart rate and rapid depletion of glycogen stores. Adrenaline also only releases glycogen from the liver and but there is more glycogen stored in lean muscle tissue, so when the body runs out of liver glycogen (due to dieting or excessive release by adrenaline and its analogs) it then produces cortisol to catabolize lean muscle into sugar and amino acids and then we become a jittery, anxious, hungry, emaciated mess and the reason those with eating disorders and depression present with wasting is because the body is harvesting muscle for its sugar and glutamine content because not enough sugar and protein is being supplied to the body.

Because it promotes dopamine production coffee can be a great tool to use in the fight against depression so long as you raise your blood sugar before using it or restore fructose absorption if that is not working correctly (this is very easy to diagnose as using coffee should not result in excessive heart rate, sweating, anxiety, etc., which if a source of fructose has been consumed this indicates fructose malabsorption). One of the worst things people do for their physical and mental health is to have coffee (caffeine) first thing in the morning without eating anything (especially avoiding sugar). At the end of a long night glycogen stores are usually completely depleted and stress hormones are already high (this is especially true in people who wake up very early feeling restless), so taking coffee on an empty stomach and low glycogen stores only serves to catastrophically catabolize lean muscle through absurdly high cortisol release. This is also a reason why those who exercise in excess, or in the morning before eating, or who have a caloric or carbohydrate deficiency often develop mental health disorders like anxiety, depression, instability, bipolar disorder, or lose their hair prematurely or even develop metabolic diseases like cancer because the body cannot run metabolic pathways without fuel, and if we have not eaten the body will instead get this fuel by eating itself. Oppositely, coffee supported with adequate blood sugar, dietary fructose, protein, and prepared without aerated water as discussed in the chapter on gut health results in dopaminergic response which in turn facilitates a robust metabolic rate and increased cellular function which can help treat depression and other mental health conditions.

As a young man saddled with body dysmorphia and destructive dieting habits the depression caused by my childhood trauma was made worse by control behaviors like dieting and excessive exercise which are a response to such trauma (which is resolved by inventory therapy discussed in the upcoming chapter on spirituality or in my book on psychology). After a full recovery is made physical activity can be enjoyed but only if it is fun, never for discipline, and not in excess, and dieting should never, ever be practiced. There are many, many, many supplements and pharmacological products which also can and do promote excessive stress hormone expression such as adderall, SAM-e, SSRIs, and herbal supplements. Sometimes people think that pharmacologically inhibiting adrenaline is a good idea, but adrenaline maintains blood sugar so blocking adrenaline actually causes increased cortisol which tears down lean muscle and organs into useable sugars and amino acids. Marijuana functions in this way and provides relaxation by inhibiting adrenaline, and because that tanks blood sugar it then strongly stimulates “the munchies,” and potentially an increase in cortisol, and I had to quit using pot long before alcohol because long term use of marijuana during metabolic stress and failing to eat sufficiently strongly causes it to induce paranoia, agitation, and shaking due to significant cortisol expression. For this reason some young people who smoke too much pot or are on too many pharmaceuticals also have a difficult time maintaining muscle mass (discussed in the chapter on muscle) which requires healthy anabolism in opposition to states of torpor or catabolism. No drugs, pharmaceutical or recreational, is ever a treatment for depression and anxiety, which is resolved instead by diet, suppression of gastrointestinal pathogens, and self-care behaviors like getting plenty of food, sugar, sunshine, resolving past trauma, and being kind and compassionate to yourself and your body. After that recreational use of marijuana and alcohol can then be just that—recreational—rather than dependence, without experiencing the negative side effects.

Severe conditions of depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc., will also present with actual damage and trauma to the brain due to excessive activation of the primary serotonergic dorsal raphe nucleus, which often (but not always) presents with alcoholism and addiction. Melatonin is made from serotonin and has stronger, related functions and rises in response to deficiency of light such as times associated with nutritional scarcity such as at night when we are sleeping or wintertime due to traditionally reduced food availability. But this rise in melatonin is also stimulated by artificial wintertime such as is caused by excessive sequestration indoors, and while many animals respond to reduction in sunlight as a trigger for hibernation humans evolved an anti-hibernation response to a rise in torporific hormones which is also an increase in general adrenaline expression, slightly but chronically, to prevent us from going into the hibernation state. If we did not have this response we too would become lethargic and passive and crawl into caves or burrows to sleep the winter away, but this also means that any increase in serotonin or melatonin which may be caused by environmental, nutritional, or pharmaceutical factors is met by the body with a concomitant rise in adrenaline which is why depression often starts in the wintertime or even presents as so-called “seasonal depression,” since reduced light availability triggers higher general adrenaline expression to more constantly drain dopamine, and why medications which promote serotonin excess also promote an increase in suicide and worsen depression because they trigger dopamine depletion through the reciprocal elevation in adrenaline. This is also why we can actually become addicted to adrenaline, because it opposes torpor, and which is why we can become embroiled in volatile relationships, risk seeking, or incessant conflict, because the stimulation of adrenaline counteracts that torpor and helps us feel more invigorated and alive. This is also even why the onset of wintertime can feel exciting, not because of the promise of holidays and joy but because the induction of torpor itself stimulates a little more adrenaline release which in turn counteracts apathy and malaise and gives a slight thrill and sense of excitement.

Bright light, especially sunlight, generally lowers melatonin, but especially in response to chronic patterns of light exposure, or lack thereof. For instance, acute light exposure will immediately lower melatonin, but it will lower it further if light exposure is consistent and generous every single day rather than only administering when it’s absolutely needed, and in fact melatonin expression patterns follow daily, weekly, monthly, and even seasonal and yearly patterns, where light exposure one year will also determine melatonin expression the following year. So it is the absence of light exposure which causes excess melatonin to rise and thus suppress the restorative metabolic functions, which becomes worse the longer light exposure is deficient, which is conversely resolved by generous exposure to light. Because this shift in melatonin elevation is also delayed in regard to light deficiency, occurring only after the stress of light deficiency has begun to take a toll and not concurrently, depression is actually most severe during the springtime after winter has caused a prolonged light deficiency, which is why depression can be so overwhelming as the world emerges from its great slumber and plants and animals begin to celebrate, the disconnect between demoralizing emotions and the sights and sounds of new life can cause further despair for a person with depression, who is also at their peak melatonin levels which will not begin to drop again until the sunlight deficiency is resolved for several weeks or months. But if a person continues to stay indoors and continues suffering light deficiency after winter has ended this state of metabolic can get even worse, to drive up melatonin and adrenaline so great that it causes real endocrine and neurological impairment to catalyze depression and other related mental health conditions. In combination with other trauma, depression from light deficiency is unavoidable.

The dorsal raphe nucleus just so happens to be highly influenced by light. Some researchers are already beginning to confirm this role of the brain and light in studies on PTSD patients, but hampered by bias and limited understanding of the mind their findings have not yet found widespread acceptance among the medical community. During events of heightened stress (nutritional or environmental) or intense trauma such as occurs during childhood abuse, military service, being raped, or other traumatic events the function of the raphe nucleus becomes profoundly altered due to the harm caused during “inescapable stress,” and as a result begins to chronically and persistently elevate serotonin secretion and the chronic deficiency of metabolic respiration then literally causes lesions and other damage to the brain. This alteration to the serotonergic center of the brain which results in excessive torporific hormone production is also called learned hopelessness and is also discussed at length in the later chapter on alcoholism and addiction as this trauma to the dorsal raphe nucleus is the condition which causes all alcoholism and drug addiction. I believe this response of the dorsal raphe nucleus to trauma to be biological reflex designed by nature to lessen the suffering of an animal in predation or other severe trauma as it requires extreme stress to trigger this trauma to the raphe nucleus which then dampens physical pain and feeling to thus spare an animal suffering in its final moments. We no longer experience predation by wild animals and due to medicine and other modern advancements we now easily live through such trauma to find ourselves irreparably harmed by the experience. Some drugs strongly block the effects of serotonin, such as cocaine which acts to inhibit serotonin transporters, and as such can relieve a person of associated traumas which is why drug and alcohol abuse are so common in those who have these conditions, serotonin also being the hormone of shame, guilt, and remorse. But serotonin also plays a role in morality which is why for instance heavy cocaine use can cause a tendency toward extreme amoral and even violent behavior, or why veterans often develop drug abuse problems because the act of killing other humans is not something the mind can just get over (since these drugs also directly affect tissue function they can and do also change body composition, and chronic cocaine users get increased fat deposition in their face). The trauma which occurs to the raphe nucleus directly downregulates dopamine, GABA, lowers the metabolic rate, and even interferes with sleep since it is GABA, not melatonin, which properly mediates sleep. But generous exposure to natural sunlight or other bright light can and does reverse the condition as long as the diet also supports recovery, and recovery from depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and PTSD can be permanent through direct bright-light brain stimulation therapy.

Light exposure should largely subsist of natural sunlight without causing sunburn. Many windows today are manufactured with films that block a great deal of light so even being near large windows can change the light wavelength composition reaching the eyes and body and thus stimulate artificial winter adaptations in our biology (glass that appears bluish or greenish is this way). Especially because of our contemporary lifestyles it is not always possible to get sufficient sunlight to reverse this condition (that would be probably six to eight hours total per day, every day) so it can be helpful and necessary for any severe conditions to also acquire a very bright, artificial, low-heat light to supplement extra light. It is important that artificial light be in the warm spectrum, which means it has more red-wavelength light in its spectrum than blue-wavelengths, not its heat temperature, such as a 300-watt incandescent, LED light whose color temperature is 3000k or less, or even a bright halogen lamp (although those get really hot and can present burn or fire risk). Blue spectrum lights like fluorescent, CFL, or LED in the blue spectrum are not helpful because blue spectrum light actually stimulates cellular excitation and energy consumption, where the warmer spectrum promotes cellular relaxation and energy production. Light exposure to the eyes directly lowers acute melatonin production, so any general bright light exposure works to promote this benefit. But specifically for conditions of depression, PTSD, alcoholism and addiction, etc., light exposure to the back of the head or the sides of the back of the head will more strongly stimulate the raphe nucleus with energy production and mitochondrial respiration and thus reverse the chronic and excessive expression of serotonin and melatonin, allowing the raphe nucleus to regenerate and heal by stimulating cellular regeneration of that area of the brain.

The evolutionary reason for targeting this area is the same as would be the case if we spent our days foraging under the sun as did our ancestors, our eyes turned away on account of the brightness the sun and thus the back and sides of the head areas which instead receive direct rays. Light therapy for resolution of dorsal raphe nucleus dysfunction is best targeting these areas instead of the eyes, and because light exposure to the back of head also frees our eyes to be engaged elsewhere this therapy also frees us to do things like watch TV, play video games, work on the computer, or read a book, thus also making it easy to accomplish. There are studies which confirm the sensitivity to light of the brain independent of exposure to the eyes, and it is this sensitivity to light which helps those parts of the brain regulate hormonal function and circadian rhythms, for instance which still continues even for those who have lost their eyes or eyesight. For the resolution of these conditions a course of light therapy with a bright light focused on the sides or back of the head must be completed for at least two or three hours every single day for two entire weeks without missing a single day, in addition to daily outdoor sun exposure.

Because stimulation by light increases the metabolic rate of the brain, it is also necessary to consume enough dietary vitamin C before each session in order to facilitate the increase in metabolic rate, else the brain will refuse to reach its peak metabolic potential, even under light stimulation, since vitamin C is an antioxidant which protects cells during high metabolic rate, and should be taken immediately prior to light exposure. Not much is needed but a serving of high vitamin C foods like oranges, black currants, rose hips tea, bell peppers, guava, strawberry, kale, parsley, papaya, acerola cherry, etc., could help very well, but because vitamin C is destroyed in the presence of ammonia which also inhibits its uptake by blocking sodium transport the resolution of ammonia excess also helps promote vitamin C sufficiency. Because light always stimulates mitochondrial respiration which always produces reactive oxygen species, feeling irritated or restless while in the sun is also a direct symptom of vitamin C deficiency and symptom of oxidative stress. Many old people can’t even stand ambient light exposure from open windows because their antioxidant status is so low that even a small amount of light exposure causes them irritation, so inhibition of ammonia and getting plenty of vitamin C is required for this therapy to be successful, and in combination with the use of tannin and sodium chloride will strongly help restore the respiratory metabolism of the dorsal raphe nucleus by light stimulation.

It is very important to know that when effective this therapy will actually cause an increase in depressive feelings for the first two days or so after beginning. This is because the rise in serotonin is occurring to supply the excess in melatonin, and because light so strongly stops melatonin production the temporary backlog of serotonin caused by a sudden drop in melatonin will temporarily cause a further decrease in metabolic rate and increase in depression. This is an excellent sign that the therapy is proceeding as it should, however, and after this backlog is resolved a full and permanent recovery of these conditions can be expected forever after so long as the diet continues to support a robust metabolic rate, low adrenaline, and avoid light deficiency (light therapy absolutely will not work if you continue with dieting and behavioral stress, which must be addressed first). If these conditions should ever recur simply practicing this therapy again is a simple task. This practice should not be uncomfortable, so if you experience headaches or other side effects you’re probably overdoing light or heat exposure and should take a break, taking care not to overheat. For some reason, a lot of people don’t actually attempt this therapy and continue to wonder why they suffer from depression. Light exposure is vital to permanently reversing depression. It is required to be healthy. It is NOT OPTIONAL. Light exposure for at least two hours every single day is the minimum required to be a healthy human being. If you aren’t, then you have a light deficiency and you must take steps to address it. Using an artificial bulb while reading or playing video games is one of the easiest therapies to practice. If you have these symptoms, go outside and get some sunshine or buy a bulb or two and integrate its use into your daily routine.

Many people who suffer from depression and substance abuse may also have eating disorders such as anorexia or bulimia. Ideas about food, weight, and personal worth can sabotage your efforts to get well, because the calories equals fat model of weight gain is not at all how weight loss works, and only serves long term to destroy your health and make weight gain more likely as the body consumes its lean muscle and lowers the metabolic rate, and it is impossible to raise the metabolic rate and cure depression if you are not eating sufficient quantities. But, just like the other conditions addressed in this chapter, anorexia is also a neurological condition which is driven by high torporific and stress hormones. Because the state of torpor is the hibernation response one of its qualities is to suppress the appetite, as hibernation wouldn’t be very useful if an animal felt ravenous while waiting out the winter, and anorexia results when torporific hormones are sufficiently high as to disrupt hunger hormones like leptin and ghrelin. Anorexia can easily be treated with light exposure and a daily dose of niacinamide (about 250-500 mg with breakfast should be sufficient) because the absence of sufficient NAD due to excessive serotonin so strongly lowers the metabolic rate it then prevents hunger stimulus. Supplying niacinamide results in greater NAD which in turn lowers torporific hormones and can stimulate normal hunger, making it much easier for those with this condition to eat sufficiently. Many people have anorexia and don’t even know they do—if you think of food as a liability for weight gain or engage in any dieting behavior you have an eating disorder, and you must treat it and increase your caloric intake before you can ever expect to make improvements with these conditions, and address your conception of weight gain and personal worth as instructed through inventory therapy.

There are some studies which seem in conflict about the benefits of low melatonin and indeed there is a great difference between melatonin or other hormones which are naturally low due to health and thus little need of its adaptive functions than when they are low because of age or disease and a subsequent inability to produce them. The low levels I advocate are that which result from improved health rather than the artificial lowering or blocking of melatonin, since doing so in a stressed state would be damaging rather than helpful. In the elderly and those with advanced disease states it is possible that low melatonin can be a sign of the inability to make it. This apparent discrepancy between studies and medical observation is very relevant for other disease states and biological elements, where there can be a difference between low or high levels of one thing or another in the case of good health, which further supports health and longevity, and the same measurement which might result instead from stress or disease and an inability to produce it. Strangely, there does not seem to be much awareness of this nuance in medical studies and certainly not in medical practice, and is why understanding of context is so important in the determination of health conditions and the therapies which restore them, because assumptions drawn from test results can misleadingly correlate and can and does lead to misguided theorizing, prescribing, and diagnoses.

Absence of feeling or motivation is also called anhedonia, which is specifically an inability to derive pleasure and reward from experiences which normally provide that, and this is caused specifically by excessive neurological stress from excessive consumption of nightshade plants as described in the chapter on alcoholism and addiction, as toxic glycoalkaloid poisons strongly disrupt acetylcholine homeostasis to stress the nervous system, and many people with mental health disorders, apathy, anxiety, and anhedonia also naively consume large quantities of potato, potato skin, eggplant, or other nightshades which are the highest sources of glycoalkaloid toxins in the diet, and temporary abstinence from potato and eggplant along with other dietary strategies discussed in the chapter on alcoholism and addiction can rapidly help to normalize endocrine and neurological function to help restore emotional feeling and motivation. Even if you have alcoholism or other substance abuse problems, treatment of anhedonia and sociopathy can be begin by having a beer or two to strongly lower acetylcholine, then afterward avoid potatoes and eggplant and directly address depression to prevent subsequent excess of acetylcholine which impairs the nervous and endocrine system. As childhood trauma also greatly determines our psychological response to stress, the inventory therapy in the upcoming chapter on God and Spirituality or my book on child abuse, The Perfect Child, will be required to find resolution of traumatic experiences which trigger the stress response. We who have mental health problems have been conditioned our entire lives to cope with stress through ineffective coping strategies such as ignoring or avoiding things we fear or which cause us stress, including our own feelings, responsibilities, love, and other constants of life because the abuse we experienced growing up failed to empower us with the skills required to handle these aspects of life. Empowerment such as is achieved through inventory therapy is the most effective way to alleviate those experiences of trauma. Phobias and intense fear are also caused by higher than normal elevations in stress hormones. For instance, a person with a phobia of flying or spiders will express higher adrenaline release which also has a greater impact on affected organs like the brain due to the long term catabolic effects of chronic stress and as such will experience a directly correlated exaggeration of terror over things which make otherwise healthy people simply a little nervous. Adopting a diet, behaviors, and reforming our environment to naturally drive down adrenaline and cortisol production and reduce hormones of torpor as well as resolving psychological conditioning which triggers such fear through inventory therapy can easily help turn phobias into experiences of simple discomfort.

Early in my recovery a good diet and taurine was enough to resolve my depression, since supplementing taurine so strongly negates the insufficiencies of the metabolic pathways which lead to depression. By using this light therapy and guaranteeing daily light exposure and keeping my blood sugar up my condition became so stable that I have not required taurine to feel happy for many years. My brain chemistry, strangely, has been altered so well that as I recalled my suicide attempt and read my old journal entries I could no longer revisit the feelings which had driven me to such desperation, and began to understand why those without depression cannot comprehend how truly awful it is. Depression indeed is a sinister creature, only understood by those it touches, but it can now be cured with just a little time, understanding, and compassion for the body and our requirements for good nutrition, sunlight, and self-care.

Like most I believed the terms of mortality could be dismissed. Rude was my waking. To work with the limits and logic of human physiology as well as adopting a self-honest attitude toward the factors that influence it has freed me from the darkness of depression and ill-health, and anyone else can do this too. The use of taurine, a good diet and behaviors which supports low adrenaline and normal function of the GABA system, resolution of gastroinestinal pathogens, and targeted light therapy with vitamin C can maintain vitality and provide permanent relief from conditions associated with depression. It is important to have enough carbohydrates, protein, and good fat to fuel the metabolism, so always adhere to the first requirement for happiness which is a full stomach.

Here are 6 Easy Ways to Interrupt Depression, advice on how to make coffee properly, more on how seasonal changes affect depression, or information on how to cure alcoholism and addiction problems. The most important therapy in my book is a trauma therapy practice which helps us to resolve past pain and trauma from our lives that interrupts what we want and gets in the way of our best interests. If you’re interested in something like that and fixing your other health problems get a copy of my book.